If I knew then…

Monday I went to the OB for my annual exam.  I’m not telling you this so you can envision stirrups and paper gowns and whatnot.  That’d just be creepy.

I’m mentioning this for a more relevant reason.

Because this could very well be the last schmear of my pap before we take the plunge for baby #2.  And that realization scared the shit out of us.

In our five-year plan, Matt and I had always talked about two kids.  Someone to grow up with.  Someone to vent to when Mom was “being so unfair!”  Someone to help share the burden of someday…

But that plan was shaken to the core when 8 weeks pregnant with Allison, The Crohn’s attacked. 

And complications and hospitalizations and surgical consults ruined my vision of the beauty of creating life.

More than once, I cursed the pregnancy that made me so sick I couldn’t get any relief from the pain.  More than once, I regretted the decision to have a baby.  More than once, I just wanted it to be over.

Yet here I am, 3 years later, considering doing it again.

Despite the good odds that I’ll have another Crohn’s flare.  That I’ll have another premature baby.  That I’ll need another surgery.

Because she was worth all of it.  And just maybe, knowing what I know now, things will be different.

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7 Responses to If I knew then…

  1. Cate says:

    I desperately hope that you have a better and easier pregnancy this time around! It’s amazing how women are willing to sacrifice health and comfort for their babies. I was unbelievably nauseous during the majority of my pregnancy with my first child, but yet I’m pregnant again. I’ve been really sick with this one, too…but would still do it again.

    • Jen says:

      There are days that I feel completely satisfied with Allison being my only. She is just so wonderful. But we’ve always talked about 2 kids and honestly, I kinda want a do-over. I really hope that things will be different the next time. So I’m doing my best to get myself healthy and prepared for all the alternatives. Thankfully we still have awhile because we are talking about starting next Summer at the earliest.

  2. Mrs. Wonder says:

    Best wishes to your soon to be growing family! I’m nervous for my next child, since it will probably be another cesarean, but I’m also empower3ed because this time I will know more.
    The same with you, I bet it will be easier just because you know what could happen and can prepare.
    So glad I don’t have paper gowns at my OB. They’re drafty.

  3. Shell says:

    I hope you can have an easy time of it.

    My baby bro has Crohn’s and I’ve seen some of his rough spots. You are one strong lady to get through that and pregnancy.

    • Jen says:

      Thanks. I actually feel quite lucky to have Crohn’s. It’s complicated, but has also made me a wiser person and much more appreciative of things. Hope your brother is doing well. :)

  4. I had severe post-partum depression after baby #2. I mean really bad, I couldn’t be left alone, I couldn’t function, I don’t remember any milestones PPD. But DH and I wanted 3 children. We decided to go for #3 three years later because we were better armed with knowledge, professionals, medication, etc. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard at times, but it was so much better being prepared and not blind-sided. Wishing you all the best.

    • Jen says:

      It’s amazing what we sacrifice for our kids. :) And totally worth it.

      btw- When I was visiting your blog, your social media buttons weren’t working. They just linked back to the photobucket images.