Roller Coaster

Last Friday might have been the worst parenting moment I’ve ever had in the past 2 1/2 years.  I was at the peak of my sickness, exhausted past words, and Allison was fighting me on every. little. thing.  It literally took every ounce of will power I had left to not throw her into the wall.

I cancelled all my Saturday plans that night.  I was supposed to attend a baby shower in the morning and later was going to be my first Crafts & Cocktails party.   I just couldn’t muster the strength to go to the fabric store with a defiant toddler to pick up the necessary supplies.  I cursed myself for waiting until the night before.  Again.

I struggled with that decision not just because I hate cancelling plans, but because I feel like I’m failing if I don’t follow through on my word.  But that night it became clear to me that I need to give myself more grace to accept my limitations. 

Saturday was spent in survival mode.  We walked to Aldi because I just didn’t have the fight in me to get Allison into the car.  I changed at least six pairs of toddler undies before 2 o’clock because someone is refusing to use the potty these days.  We watched too much tv.  We ate too much candy.  But we survived.

Sunday I was determined to turn things around.  The previous two days had been chock full of crap and I couldn’t watch another episode of Dora the Explorer.  So I tackled a project that has been on my home repair list for months – fixing the slow-moving bathroom sink drain. 

I was charged by my success and moved on to the next task.  I put back Allison’s rug that has been sitting in various locations on our property waiting to be vacuumed.  I cleaned the bathroom.  I harvested the sweet potatoes from the garden.  I did a photo shoot with Allison.  (I even uploaded them from the camera!)  I put on a pot of chicken stock.  I did several loads of laundry. 

I accomplished more in five hours than I had in weeks.  And it felt great.

Then I spent 6 hours watching football, snuggling with my sweet (diaper-wearing) girl, and eating take out pizza.  It was such a perfect day, it erased all the bullshit from the previous two and even lasted through the next morning. 

Until I got the call that Allison was peeing all over the furniture again.  Sigh.

But that is the cycle of life right now.  Ups and downs.  Struggles and successes.  It’s so easy to get lost in the failures that you miss the accomplishments.

Cause when I look around
I think this, this is good enough
And I try to laugh
At whatever life brings
Cause when I look down
I just miss all the good stuff
When I look up
I just trip over things

~Ani DiFranco “As Is”

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5 Responses to Roller Coaster

  1. annabelle says:

    This was perfect because we have all been there. I am there.

    I try to be grateful for those bursts of energy, those times where peace triumphs over tantrum, where I feel accomplished. I hope if I show proper gratitude they will happen more often.

    Well written, you.

  2. Shell says:

    Thank God for those ups- it makes the downs so much easier to deal with.

  3. Andrea says:

    I loved this. It reminds me I am not alone when I have those horrible days. And that we all look for that shining beam of happy sunlight to get us through with good GOOD stuff. And Dora? She’s a pain, isn’t she? And yet somehow she works! 😉

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