The D Word

In 2004, the first of my friends got married.  Then earlier this year, they filed for divorce.

Living states away, I had no idea they were even struggling.  But apparently, there had been problems for years.  And finally they separated.

She has moved on.  But I haven’t.

I know that sounds strange.  Because what right do I have to be concerned about their marital status.  And shouldn’t I want what’s best for my friends?

But I can’t get over the sadness that one of my close friends gave up on her marriage.  Gave up on the vows that I witnessed her say such a short time ago.

I know she wasn’t happy.  And I certainly didn’t want that for her.  But at the same time I was angry.  Did she do everything possible to save the marriage?  How could she allow herself to become a statistic?

I was able to spend the day with her yesterday as she was passing through town.  And unfortunately, with her she brought more news.  Another mutual friend had just separated from his wife this past weekend.

It seems like relationships are collapsing all around me.

My dad always told me that marriage was finding someone you like enough and the rest was work.  And I’ve always taken that to heart.  Which is why Matt and I have committed to never. giving. up.

I know that’s a strong statement.  But to us, it’s that important to maintain our family.  And I truly believe that most problems (with the exception of abuse) are surmountable. 

That’s why it makes me so sad to see people give up. 

I’m not saying that it will be easy because 40 years from now I have no idea what our life will look like.  But one thing I do know is that it can’t be harder than divorce.

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7 Responses to The D Word

  1. Kim says:

    I’m totally with you there. Great post. It is work. And it’s not always head-over-heels love. But it’s totally worth it. I seem to know so many people going through this too. Seems like an age/or stage of life thing maybe…young kids, busy, stressful. But you gotta just keep truckin!

  2. NayLahKnee says:

    Lord child, I am with you. It is EASY to give up but a marriage will not last if both parties arent willing to put in the work. It is sad. I am determined to trust in God for my marriage. I cant trust myself because I would walk away or make my husband miserable, he would do the same. SMH. like Kim said, you gotta keep truckin.

  3. Shell says:

    Marriage definitely takes work. It does make me sad when I see people give up… though I try to remember that I have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.

  4. Stasha says:

    I do not think divorce means that you are giving up.

    Sometimes things happen where the couple simply can not move forward.

    I got divorced after 4 years of marriage at the age of 22. I knew two years into the marriage that I wasn’t happy but I tried for 2 more years to make it work. Finally one day I couldn’t take it anymore and told my husband that I wasn’t happy and that in the four years we had been together I had grown and changed and he was still acting like a child. I loved him but I was not *in* love with him. . .

    I could not see myself growing old with him.

    Of course there were other things that helped me reach my decision. . . But ultimately I could not see myself staying in a marriage where I wasn’t happy with the person I was with.

    • Jen says:

      I certainly cannot presume to know what is best for everyone. And I couldn’t imagine having been married at 18 or even 22. I barely knew how to take care of myself, let alone deal with all the responsibilities that come along with marriage. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment and share your experience.

  5. RoryBore says:

    My hubby and I were likewise shell-shocked when we learned that the couple, whose wedding we met at, were getting divorced. And he had a whole other secret life!! In that case, I think she was justified, but we were still just stunned that literally one weekend we were with them – the next – over.
    Hubby works in a job that has an 87% divorce rate! In fact, in the 10 years of his employment, we have seen 3 out of the 5 weddings we’ve attended, end in divorce. The shortest was just 6 months!
    It is odd though how others giving up, has strengthened our resolve!

    • Jen says:

      I can understand how that would strengthen your committment. We feel the same way. And I might have to concur with the secret life thing… Obviously, both parties need to WANT to make things work, so if one person is out doing their own thing, chances are good they are not particularly invested in the relationship.